For the first time, I feel that I really have a purpose. I have a true goal and real purpose in life. And that’s a big thing for me.
Without this meditation I would have never been able to reflect back on myself and my life. That’s for sure. Maybe I could have been able to cover up my pain or something with some other method, I don’t know. But I would have never been able to look back on myself and see how I have acted and what my role and my part were in everything. I would still have blamed the world and blamed everybody else and kept that mindset that it was everybody else’s fault and not mine. I’ve come to realize that it’s also a big piece of pride that I’m carrying around. For me it was always very important how I appear to others and I didn’t want to show myself weak, or didn’t want to open up to other people. So I closed myself.
I was always comparing myself with others. If that other somehow had achieved something more than me, I didn’t like that person. If that person had done less than me, then I could be ‘humble’. Then I could be a nice person and take care of that person. Then I thought I was great because I was so nice to that weak person. So that was my life. Always measuring, always trying to come across as the best somehow. If there was no competition, I could be nice.
It might sound strange maybe, at least from the culture I come from where we’re supposed to love ourselves and try to be better all the time. Because that’s something I really tried to do, to love myself, to tell myself I was great. This meditation method is a bit of opposite of that. You realize that you are not great. And that’s actually a big relief. It’s really a big relief. Because it’s a big burden, walking around thinking you are great, and thinking that you have to be great all the time. Now that I am freeing myself from that ego and pride, the world around me has become nicer; it treats me more gently nowadays. Yeah, it’s funny. Before, the world was my enemy. It is not anymore.
This meditation is? “simple and so powerful”
Before meditation, the life I have lived from the outside looked good. Perhaps to the eyes of the people around me I was happy and confident with family, school and work but I was very worried and always felt pressured within. I always had this need to please everyone and was obsessed about maintaining an image for a good person in front of others. I was always hiding behind my fake smiles and heavy make-up, covering myself up to be perfectly good. Through the meditation I realized that this was all because I was so worried about how the world saw me. I was so worried that I never wore white socks or bright colors because people could then see how dirty my feet were. I felt as if the world was judging me for every little thing about me. My insecurities always overwhelmed me that I was haunted with insomnia.
However, reflecting back at my life, the meditation has really helped me see that I was only living inside this bubble. I was stuck inside a place where I cared only about my self-centered views and comparing myself and wanted to become better with my own standards that I had made to myself. Now that I look back at myself, I was so ridiculous! Riddling myself with so many worries.
I have done the meditation from level 2 in Korea, so I have not yet met people that know of the old me. However, even the people here say that from the time I’ve been here that I look brighter. I see my own change too, my insomnia is gone and I dance around in whatever colored socks, without makeup. When I no longer rely on the opinion of others, I feel much stronger and free. The greatest gift the mediation has allowed me is to allow me to see that the world does not spin around me. I have been living only for myself. For me, the greatest part of this meditation is to see reality, the true world, outside of my bubble.
People around me comment that I look prettier
I started this meditation after being exhausted in human relationships. That is probably why my greatest change comes from when I did level 2. Out of all, I gained self-esteem and thus I was able to be confident amongst other people. Perhaps people around me noticed my change too; they would comment that I looked prettier. I was even asked if I had gotten a boyfriend. These were words that I’ve never heard before. Level 3 and 4 were relatively long and tedious levels but as I heard “patience is sour but the fruit it bears is sweet”. There weren’t special changes that I noticed but I did feel that my mind was ever more relaxed. Even when being with others, I didn’t feel cumbersome and my behaviour became more natural to the point that I could enjoy myself and be comfortable amongst them. This is perhaps because I came to realize through level 3-4 that I always carried an obsession to be a good person in front of others.
I wanted to be a person that was honest and well-liked by others, but on the other hand I feared that I may look like a fool if I do so. However, if I know when I should be nice and honest and behave accordingly while knowing when I am not expected to act in such manner, I think I can avoid looking like a fool. Therefore one can be wise and sensible in being nice and honest.
It took me a year and a half to receive such wisdom though the four levels. Some people may have taken a shorter time or a longer time than me to go through these levels, but to me right now the length it took is not important. If I put it clearly, what is important to me is to how much my mind has become peaceful and free. It is more valuable to me as 36 years of time wasn’t able to bring such change. To the fact that I can empty out my mind; to that itself, I am grateful. This meditation allows you be grateful towards everything that is and was part of the same daily life you used to live, I wish that many others can feel the true happiness that comes from that.